Saturday, October 25, 2008

When visiting family friends

This is a 2 parter.
part one:
we had gone to visit some family friends i was about 12 or 13 my sister about 7ish her and the other girl were playing in one of the rooms. my sister thought it would be funny to pull up her nighty and let rip unfortunatly she followed through at high velocity and pebble dashed the bookcase and surrounding floor.

part 2:

titled richard the turd.
this is the only time i have admitted this because at the time i was a lil embarrassed.
at the same weekend visiting i decided i needed to drop a load so off i went and sat and unloaded the biggest turd i have yet to do and see (approx 20" it was at the u-bend and half way up the side of the bowl). now with a turd of this size flushing was a problem it just wouldn't shift i also couldn't find the ceremonial bog brush to beat it so i decided to leave it and say nothing. the mpther of the family was the unfortunate person to find it and her words were "jesus christ who the hell left that behind its huge". i never admitted to it and the blame was placed upon her (now ex(not because of the turd)) husband even though he denied it. they then had to get the bog brush from the other loo and beat it away.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Slush from the chippy

Another mate of mine had been the chippy and bought a slush from there. After drinking he
rode home on his bike.

While riding home he shat his pants, but it was blue coloured. He assumed it was from the slush (which is a fair assumption to make) so instead of continuing home to get cleaned up he decided to go back to the chippy to show them what their slush had done!

Dirty bastard!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Imodium couldn't TOUCH it

About a month ago I got food poisoning from a dodgy curry. A couple of days later I couldn't go 20 minutes without having to run to the loo to shit watery jets into the loo. Coupled with farts this produces a somewhat "pebbledashed" effect.

I ended up playing a game of rugby for my team in the same week, despite being so ill I could hardly stand, couldn't stop shivering and was white as a sheet and weak as a kitten.

In the end I had to drive home (newcastle to newbury!!) stopping quite literally at EVERY services on the M1 to use the facilities. Eventually, after a week and a half of torture (and a severly shredded ring - I was wiping more blood than poo) I got antibiotics and got better.

Net result? Lost a stone in a week and a half.