SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15) Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

When visiting family friends

This is a 2 parter.
part one:
we had gone to visit some family friends i was about 12 or 13 my sister about 7ish her and the other girl were playing in one of the rooms. my sister thought it would be funny to pull up her nighty and let rip unfortunatly she followed through at high velocity and pebble dashed the bookcase and surrounding floor.

part 2:

titled richard the turd.
this is the only time i have admitted this because at the time i was a lil embarrassed.
at the same weekend visiting i decided i needed to drop a load so off i went and sat and unloaded the biggest turd i have yet to do and see (approx 20" it was at the u-bend and half way up the side of the bowl). now with a turd of this size flushing was a problem it just wouldn't shift i also couldn't find the ceremonial bog brush to beat it so i decided to leave it and say nothing. the mpther of the family was the unfortunate person to find it and her words were "jesus christ who the hell left that behind its huge". i never admitted to it and the blame was placed upon her (now ex(not because of the turd)) husband even though he denied it. they then had to get the bog brush from the other loo and beat it away.

Slush from the chippy

Another mate of mine had been the chippy and bought a slush from there. After drinking he
rode home on his bike.

While riding home he shat his pants, but it was blue coloured. He assumed it was from the slush (which is a fair assumption to make) so instead of continuing home to get cleaned up he decided to go back to the chippy to show them what their slush had done!

Dirty bastard!

Imodium couldn't TOUCH it

About a month ago I got food poisoning from a dodgy curry. A couple of days later I couldn't go 20 minutes without having to run to the loo to shit watery jets into the loo. Coupled with farts this produces a somewhat "pebbledashed" effect.

I ended up playing a game of rugby for my team in the same week, despite being so ill I could hardly stand, couldn't stop shivering and was white as a sheet and weak as a kitten.

In the end I had to drive home (newcastle to newbury!!) stopping quite literally at EVERY services on the M1 to use the facilities. Eventually, after a week and a half of torture (and a severly shredded ring - I was wiping more blood than poo) I got antibiotics and got better.

Net result? Lost a stone in a week and a half.